Riviera Chateau to be even more Jolie

The rumour that their marriage is on the rocks and that poor Brad Pitt is crumbling under the pressure of being forced into making and buying babies in multi-packs by wife, Angelina Joile, is journalistic tosh. Probably. For our uber love-birds are not only still in love with each other, they're still in love with their $70 million French Riviera chateau and are spending another $20 million on ‘modernising' it. Frankly I'd be happy lying next to Brad in a caravan bunk.

So now let us all squirm in inadequacy for the next titillating two minutes.

The French fairy story started in 2008 when Hollywood's most beautiful, most famous and most over-paid couple, Brangelina, snapped up the stunning and rather infamous Château Miraval in the previously not famous village of Correns, just north of Brignoles. Don't worry, I haven't a clue either but allegedly it's in the so-near so-Var. The initial plan was to just to lease the Château and its vineyard for 3 years and to try out ‘normal' life in France. The yearn to move here being understandable considering Jolie's recently deceased mother was French-Canadian.

But no one believed that the duo's French dream or their marriage would actually last and that their attempt at ‘normal' life was not only highly ambitious, but frankly laughable. Not so. Angelina regularly pops into local supermarket, Intermarché, with her son Maddox to buy er...plastic guns and arrows and ‘other stuff' and the kids will attend the local state school in Correns. Helping mommy and daddy save a few pennies. Sweet. So chapeaux off to the pair for a great effort but if they want to take it one step further I'm happy to house-swop. As now Mr. and Mrs. Beautiful are the proud owners of the Château and thank goodness because Brad has already spent weeks on his hands and knees (swoon) building an elaborate guinea pig maze and hut for a staggering, or mere, depending on your own financial status when reading this, $50,000.

And although the Château (built in 1850 by Joseph-Louis Lambot, the inventor of reinforced concrete) is already stunning Brange and their six-pack (Pax, Zahara, Maddox, Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne) were finding their 35 bedroom home just not quite ‘modern' enough. Do I be cruel and point out that maybe 17th century châteaux aren't meant to be too modern? Back to the story. So the pre-Roman 1,000 acre estate already boasts 35 bedrooms (for a family of eight), outdoor swimming pool, indoor pool, his-and-hers gyms, sauna, Jacuzzi, billiards room, a huge banqueting hall, a moat, umpteen fountains and a private chapel. Plus a previous owner, French jazz pianist Jacques Loussier, built a recording studio where Sting is alleged to have recorded as did The Cranberries and Pink Floyd who laid down tracks for their The Wall album in 1979.

So what else will their ‘new' 17th century love-nest have? Well, all 35 bedrooms will be renovated to have a more ‘contemporary feel'. Again, I refrain. There'll be more Jacuzzis, steam rooms, a spa, a new gym, a motorbike track for daddy and the boys and an expanded wine cellar (for mummy?). The helicopter landing pad will be improved (I have one too. Well, it's really just a large painted white ‘H' and I'm still missing the actual ‘Copter), for beating the other mummies to the school gates and a top of the range new security system will be top of the list for the overly-famous family of eight. There'll be a James Bond-style surveillance centre (don't forget your bikini in the Jacuzzi, Ange), spy cameras and infra-red sensors. But I think the stars of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the Ocean's series will have no problem swinging from chandelier to chandelier to cross the chateau if they want a snack from the fridge in the middle of the night and the sensors are on.

And that sums up what the most famous family in the world have to look forward to when they move back into their Riviera château this summer and finally call France ‘home'. Oh that and an official greeting from their local mayor.

Jean-Claude Sadion, mayor of Correns, said: ‘'We are delighted that they will be here more permanently. They are a wonderful couple with beautiful children and we will hold a civic reception to honour them." Aww...

I'm actually feeling ever so slightly nauseous so will sign off, mop the floors and empty the bins. Sigh.